Escape From Pianosa

He trumpeted around his pen for a few minutes, and then keeled over on his side. Horrified, the researchers tried to revive him, but about an hour later he was dead. The three scientists sheepishly concluded that, “It appears that the elephant is highly sensitive to the effects of LSD.”

From The Top 20 Most Bizarre Experiments of All Time.

HT: Marginal Revolution.

I was almost disappointed to find my mystery tenant had moved on to greener pastures. I even brought my camera for the people who wouldn’t believe me when I say there was a bum living in my back yard. Alas, his timing was impeccable as the girl demanded a tour of the back. It’s so cute she said, yes, I thought you could even live here if you wanted…

I went to the city to get my scooter out of the back shed in my house in Baltimore.. And I notice that everything smells like shit… And I look around… And there’s blankets on the ground, in my little back yard. Yes, there’s a bum living there. A freaking bum living in my back yard. No wonder the house isn’t selling.

But this pales in comparison to the woman in my rental house who, after notifying me 2 months ago that she’s leaving, decides that in fact she wants to stay. Only she doesn’t tell me until two days before another family is scheduled to move in, and one week before I sell the house to another investor.

It pales in comparison because unlike the bum, who I can evict by moving his blankets and bicycle into the alley, I have to hire a lawyer to get the woman out. It’s my property, she has no right to be there, yet legally I’m forbidden from removing her. Tell me how that makes sense. If a stranger breaks into your house you can kick ‘em out at gunpoint. I don’t see how this is any different.

It’s so refreshing to see the rebellious kids, skateboarding by my window in tight jeans.

Civ 4 is best enjoyed by people who have no responsibilities in life–no kids, no job, no school, no immediate need for food, etc. If you insist on playing despite your worldly duties, I suggest taking care of anything critical before starting the game. That includes bathing, paying your mortgage, attending a job interview, etc.

Playing “for just a few hours” is not really an option, unless a few hours for you means 14 hours. Once you are in the proper mindset and you understand the implications of getting involved in Civ 4, you are ready to start. Like a strong riptide pulling you out to sea, your best bet is to surrender to the overwhelming force of the ocean until you reach calmer waters where you can tread water until the tide comes back in.

Don’t try to fight Civ 4, it will only make you feel guilty and weak. Ride it out for a few days or a few weeks until you get it out of your system and you cannot bear the thought of playing another turn. Take a deep breath and relax; it’s time to pick up the pieces of your neglected life.

At improv rehearsal last night I had this conversation three separate times:

Other person: How was your weekend?

Me: Pretty good, went to the beach.

OP: Oh yeah? What beach.

Me: Rehoboth.

OP: Oh, isn’t that the GAY beach?

Me: Yeah, it’s really really gay. But it’s cool, they let straight people hang out there too. I have a straight visa because I’m a friend of the gay man.

I’m selling my rental property in East Baltimore–great time to sell, right?

So I was showing it last night to another investor and as we were walking to our cars we heard pop pop pop pop pop. Hey were those gunshots? Yeah, I think so. Funny because I hear that all the time in Baltimore, just random popping–I always thought they were fireworks. A woman unrolled a window above us and said “get used to it, mmm hmm.” We didn’t see anyone running, or police sirens or anything. Target practice?

Or wait, maybe they are…

MC Hammer Endorses Ron Paul.

OK, he hasn’t officially endorsed Ron Paul, but he is blogging about him. You could pretty much replace “Ron Paul” with any other presidential candidate and that would still be hilarious.

Aspiring satirists take note:

“Interestingly, 19% of Americans state that they rely on satire sites or shows like the Daily Show for their [political] information.”

More here.

I wonder at the motives of people who say that setting a timetable for withdrawal in Iraq will embolden our enemies. I admit that they have a point; leaving now would seem to validate the strategy of the terrorists in Iraq. Certainly the terrorists would perceive it and market it that way.

But what are the alternatives? We could sneak out in the middle of the night, leaving millions of vehicles and weapons. They’d never know what hit them! When questioned, we could play dumb.

“What’s that? Oh yeah, I mean, we just didn’t feel like being there anymore. The hot desert sun and all. No no! Don’t think…oh no, we don’t want you to think we left because of you! Oh gosh no. You terrorists are taking this all wrong! No, we left cus we felt like it. I mean, the soldiers dying every day in Iraq–that was annoying to be sure. But don’t get all full of yourself thinking it was just cus of that. There were lots of other totally non-terrorist reasons.”

Alas, they’d probably see through that–and then they’d have all of our tanks and stuff. So we could just stay “until we win.” And we win when nobody wants to kill Americans. But every day we’re there, more people want to kill Americans. Are you trying to tell me that you never want to leave?